A List of Potential Leaders and their Vital Stats
Now that Theresa May has finally announced her upcoming resignation, those of us with the fortune(?) to be in the UK now must wonder “Who’s next?”. There are a list of potential candidates to rival the Democrat Presidential field, so it can be confusing. Looking at the faces of those running, it seems like a list of B-list Batman villains. Fortunately, I’m here to help. Here, I present your handy guide to May’s potential successors (in no particular order), complete with character bios, pros and cons. The pros were particularly difficult.
1. Liz Truss
Bio: Primary school teacher chic. Loves cheese. Like, seriously loves cheese.
Also known for her choice of children’s names apparently indicating that she loves freedom.
Pros: No danger of a cheese shortage.
Cons: Foreign policy might end up being too cheese-driven.
2. Andrea Leadsom
Bio: Leadsom briefly tried to run against May in 2016, but realised that she may have been the one person less well-liked than May. This incredible feat of unpopularity has not dissuaded her.
Pros: We could see more of the blossoming hatred between her and house speaker John Bercow.
Cons: Her views.
3. Michael Gove
Bio: Once upon a time there was a ventriloquist dummy who wished so hard to become a real boy. Unlike Pinocchio, however, this puppet grew up with a distinct hatred for his master, who he saw as an expert in everything. Consequently, he is determined to undermine experts at any point. Some resemblance to the older version of the ensouled puppet from Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Sid).
Pros: Doesn’t like plastic straws…?
Cons: We would have a cabinet full of people who have no idea what they’re doing. But, given some of those in May’s cabinet, that might not be much of a change.
4. Rory Stewart
Bio: This one is a bit strange, in that I do think there’s something likeable about him. He’s a bit of an odd duck. See him here talking about hedgehogs at length. That’s actually pretty charming. Still a relative political unknown, but he has declared his interest and I wouldn’t rule him out.
Pros: As a goofy dithering Hugh Grant-esque character, Americans would love him as a fantastic stereotype of Britishness.
Cons: A stereotype of Britishness.
5. Amber Rudd
Bio: Best known for her role in the Windrush Scandal, where it was confirmed that she was either evil or incompetent. Fired after that, she somehow made it back into the cabinet due to May’s desperation, but it’s doubtful that actual human beings are likely to forgive her so easily.
Pros: She might only be one of the evil/incompetent combo.
Cons: She’s probably both.
6. Boris Johnson
Bio: Has made a career in being a bumbling “likeable” guy with ridiculous hair. Heabily reliant on people thinking he’s a nice amusing, light-hearted guy. “What a funny guy. What a jape it would be to have good old Boris in number ten?” folks might say. However, unfortunately, while his bumbling silliness and buffoonery is mostly an act, it masks a nasty piece of work. Imagine finding out that the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz knew he had a brain the while time, and everything was part of a cynical plan to become ruler of Oz and oppress all the Munchkins in Munchkin-land, which might actually be how he sees us.
He’s made a vast array of horrible blunders, demonstrating that even though he’s not quite as stupid as he sometimes lets on, he’s not far off. And that’s not even including his obvious (and possibly illegal) shenanigans with the bus. However, he’s still seen as the front-runner in this race. Terrifying.
Pros: Possibly got less ridiculous hair than he did a few weeks ago? Also, his twofacedness could have some benefits, maybe?
Cons: Everything about him.
7. Sajid Javid
Bio: He looks like he probably is a Bond villain. If that wasn’t enough, he also apparently speaks about himself in the third person in cabinet meetings. He will go down in history as the first Muslim home secretary, but whether he’s been good for Muslims in the country is debatable.
Pros: He may have the most competent person in Theresa May’s cabinet.
Cons: That was a very low bar.
8. Dominic Raab
Bio: If Sajid Javid is a Bond villain, Raab is more of a henchman – I could definitely see him playing an evil sidekick. Sadly for him, sidekicks don’t get the top job.
Pros: Has recently learned that Britain is an island.
Cons: If he was in charge we might have to become a henchman country, and simply do all our master’s (America’s…?) bidding.
9. Jeremy Hunt
Bio: Incredibly, Jeremy Hunt is a lead contender. I say incredibly, because he has been so unpopular for so long. As secretary of state for Culture, Media and Sport, he (falsely) implied that hooliganism was part of what led to the Hillsborough disaster. When he was in Secretary of State for Health, his plans for reforming health service were so unpopular that junior doctors went on strike. He was so bad that Theresa May tried to fire him, but then he instead got a promotion…? The guy can’t even remember the nationality of his wife! Perhaps he is some sort of master hypnotist?
Pros: Everything above suggests that he is an amazing hypnotist
Cons: He still hasn’t fooled us into thinking he’s not a total tosspot.
10. Esther McVey
Bio: As Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, she has become public enemy number one for disabled and vulnerable people. She displayed a horrifying callousness in her ability to push forward with Universal Credit, and willingness to lie about its effects. She announced her leadership bid last week with her Blue Collar Conservatives launch, where she attempted to convince working class folks that she was on their side, despite her record of systematically attacking the working classes. Tough sell.
Pros: I literally can’t think of any.
Cons: I think she scares me more than any of the other potential overlords.
11. Penny Mordaunt
Bio: An outsider because I’m confident that most people still couldn’t pick her out of a lineup. Given how awful the rest are, however, this might be a big benefit for her. Fun fact: she was criticised by Labour MP (and all-round terrible human being) Kate Hoey for using the word “cock” so much in Parliament on a dare.
Pros: She’s actually got a degree in Philosophy (and not even PPE or any such lark). As this is the best subject (as determined by me), that’s a huge plus.
Cons: If her navy buddies dare her, she might swear at leaders of sovereign nations, or worse…
12. His Humbleness, the The Right Honourable Grand Overlord, Jacob Rees-Mogg
Bio: 18th century aristocrat transported to the 21st century when a grandfather clock, stuffed full of rightwing propaganda and outdated views was struck by lightning. Sexually aroused by the prospect of keeping the lower classes down. Once completely bamboozled by Ali G (below).
Fortunately, it looks like he’s backing Boris, so we might not have to worry too much about him becoming supreme leader just yet.
Pros: Errrm… Well-dressed?
Cons: If you’re a woman, you might lose a lot of your rights. If you’re poor, you’re probably fucked. If you’re a human you might throw up.
13. Matt Hancock
Bio: I didn’t have Matt Hancock included when I first wrote this, so I was very frustrated when he announced his intentions on Saturday night. If you thought the field lacked a white guy so generic and unforgettable his closest friends probably have to check his nametag, your prayers have been answered. He is the bland Conservative face that’s reached your screens with relative frequency throughout the Brexit shenanigans. You likely instantly forgot everything he said, and his face, but were left with a mildly unpleasant sense of banal disappointment.
Before all the Brexit nonsense, Hancock was most famous for a massive cock-up when he was secretary for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport. Despite being responsible for data protection, he launched his own social media app which had ridiculous privacy flaws, giving developers access to users’ photos without their consent.
Pros: His ubiquitous brand of non-personality is unlikely to intimidate any of the general public, making you really feel like you could go right up to him and call him an arsehole.
Cons: Likely to be forgotten instantly by any world leaders (maybe this could be a pro too…?)
14. Chris Grayling
Bio: Grayling hasn’t really been mentioned alongside the usual suspects. But you shouldn’t underestimate him. For a man of this level of incompetence to have been a government minister for eight years, despite enormous scandals and clear demonstrations of his idiocy, it seems likely that some dark magics are at work.
Pros: According to his logical capacities – all of us, regardless of having any experience in transport, or whether we have owned or perhaps even ever seen a boat – are qualified for £13 million government contracts in freight deliveries.
Cons: A shining beacon of idiocy even among this lineup of dunces.
Sadly, it looks like one of these fuckers will be the next PM. Those Irish passports are looking better by the day…
Edited (26/5/19) to include Matt Hancock.
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